That was Then

There are weird things happening around my house. Things like no warning barks coming from the bedroom when someone walks past the house. Things like my bed staying made all day. Fewer doors needing to be opened and closed. The food container doesn't need to filled as often. Bosun's painful to watch 6 rotations before finally laying down on the sofa isn't happening.

Normally I'd head to the woods to sort these things out. Normally I'd take Bosun and we'd go. I knew I could completely relax and not be concerned about my surroundings, that Bos would keep watch. That he'd check back regularly. That he would just be "there". Unconditionally, forever. And therein lies the problem. Bosun's "forever" got cut short. Much too short.

Last Saturday he became suddenly, seriously sick and needed me to allow him to pass. He went from 100% fine (we were headed to an off leash park for a party) to needing emergency vet care. He had a cyst burst on his spleen and there were no warning signs, trust me, his last 6 months are stuck on replay.

Toad, has suddenly had new expectations imposed. I need him to be free range while I shower. I want him to be able to sleep with me. I want to have him stop trying to bite the tears because it's the only thing he can see that may be causing me distress. It'd be great if I could trust him enough to head to the woods to work this out in my head. Or maybe it's my heart that needs catching up.

 He has taken up new habits like chasing his tail. Bullies tend to lean into this behavior, but it's new for him. Its a sign that his anxiety is getting high. He's jumping on me and nipping again. He's taken up chewing my shoes and hoarding things in his crate. Hes become vigilant and is reacting more to outside noises. Another sign that his adrenaline has been pushed.

We did a practice run with the sleeping in bed with me. My top concerns are bodily harm (he is very much a 55 pound puppy, so he gets excited), him marking the new to him room, me not getting sleep. He was pretty great for the nap, however once complete and he was aware I was awake, he bounced and bucked like something that should be entered in the Calgary Stampede. I was quite sure concern #1 was on it's way. I was trapped under the blankets, my timing was horrid, every time I tried to peel them back he was on his way to bouncing on that side.... it was comical and scary and oh so Toad.

Overall Toad is becoming predictable. He regresses with stress (don't we all?) He's becoming this cuddly, sweet companion. He is learning faster now, words like inside and outside are almost mastered. He's learning to be calm. He's doing really well with leash walking. He's my boy. He has big shoes to fill. He has a spirit big enough to tackle it.

We miss Bosun. We've spent a lot of time just being quiet, and maybe that's his super power, getting me to sit quietly when my body just wants to run away. For the millionth time since he landed with me I am grateful to share time and space with this little train wreck I call Toad.